actually, I'm a sock model
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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