Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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