You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
