I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize