I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
