Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
