1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
