I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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