i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just found a bag of teeth...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
