he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
