I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My vagina just recognized that song.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
