I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The power of my boobs compel you
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
