how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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