At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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