Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
The ass gains better be worth it
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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