I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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