"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
