I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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