finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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