I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
