whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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