You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
