had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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