Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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