Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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