god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
