i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize