when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Randomize
