If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
