If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
