her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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