The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
