apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
