addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
