I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
