No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize