i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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