just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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