Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
