fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Randomize
