Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize