We named our party play list daddy issues
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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