you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize