I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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