I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
