My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
