if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize