I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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