Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
