I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
