i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
