I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
