you traded sex for a burrito?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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