its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
