Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
