I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
