I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize