Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
