yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
