She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
