They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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