It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
handjob tips. give me some.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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