i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
