rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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