Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
