I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
