He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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