i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
